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Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story