Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
my one true gender
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.