Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”