We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.