[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
You Might Also Like
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The happy life.. 😊
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
philosophical skeletons be like
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.