I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.