My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
the dark web is just a goth google.