Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
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*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.