I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow: