me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles