It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*