I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30