6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You Might Also Like
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Batman v Dracula
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”