When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets