Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.