I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.