i want to work in this restaurant
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Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.