If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Okay, I’m still confused…
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.