Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*