My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*