I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.