ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
This is my bus stop.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.