today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like