me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me :
All Day At Night
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
LOL
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”