Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.