Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
favorite tropes as memes
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
good morning
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.