candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
🤣
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.