ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
So inspired right now.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS