My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
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