That’s classic.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*seductively eats two tums*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.