Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture