Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
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You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
There is wisdom there.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you