Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
good work, detective
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.