Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
You Might Also Like
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.