Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face