[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
my first dose meeting my second
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
oh u like history? name everything that happened