[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss