Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
You Might Also Like
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.