Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
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When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes