I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017