I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too