Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
#ProTip
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm