Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you