Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Fluff me with a fork baby
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.