I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
adam and eve had first world problems