License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me