Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.