throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.