35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Finally, an explanation.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.