“what’s it like having a sister?”
You Might Also Like
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..